Sunday, January 2, 2011

its going to be a whirlwind year.....

So the first official day of 2011 is done and what a day it was.  I have thought about writing a blog all day but everytime I sat down to write, words failed me.  I mean, I did have things to talk about but as always my brain thinks faster then I can type and it would have just been a jumbled mess most like the rest of my blogs.  A few of my posts have been cryptic and vague since the end of November.  That being said, between cryptic posts and the things in like that have caused them, I have learned ALOT about myself and realized how 'grown up' i really am.  I'm going to enter into my 34th (GASP) year of life this year and its time to share things and get (some) of them out.  It will probably start as a list but who knows how it will end up.

My friends, most of us are around my age so  LET'S KEEP THE DRAMA IN THE PAST!  We have our Big Girl words, let's use them.  Let's NOT blast people out on facebook, myspace or anything else.  In a past immature life, it happened and I hurt ALOT of people.  Did the drama help the situation?  It definately didn't.  It caused more heartache and pain then anything else.  Grow up and move on.  It is worth all the extra heartache and pain?

I can't control anyone's life EXCEPT that of my own OR my kids.  I can't expect things from people if they don't want to give it or feel it.  I can ONLY control me and my own and even then how much control do I have on my own life?  I put my life in God's hands.  I can use words like 'no' and 'never' but if something is in God's plan, then so be it, 'no' and 'never' don't exist.

Realizing that so much of life's worries and issues are in God's control and go according to HIS plan, I realized I DO have a relationship with God.  It may not be what other people think my relationship SHOULD be, but its there.  People who have seen me as ditzy and immature have actually commented for the positive on advise I have given lately and some other things.  It has always been there, maybe I just wasn't ready for it.

This is something I'm torn on, but here we go.....I'm Catholic.  Most know this.  I need that 'Catholic guilt' as my sister in law has told me to feel comfortable in Church and understand God.  I enjoy going to Church at times.  I especially feel more comfortable going to Spanish Mass and YES, i DO understand what they are saying, just as I did growing up in Michigan an going for Polish Mass.  Since I noted all this, I am thinking I want to sign up for a Woman's Walk With Christ weekend.  As far as I know, I haven't seen alot of Catholics involved in this organization, but we will see what happens.  The Woman's Walk is a 'sister' to Marked Men for Christ.  I have seen positive changes in some of the men in the family.  It has opened up a better understanding and friendship/relationship with Isaac.  I feel as if I gained my best friend back though his renewed relationship with God.  I really hope that our open dialogue continues and doesn't fizzle because of other things in his life right now.  So yes, I am planning on going, would like to go sooner rather then later (&*(% My Dad Say quote there, LOL) and would LOVE if someone would go with me.  I will travel alone if i have to for it, but it would be great to have another woman, possibly another mom, go with me.  Open invitiation to all! 

This is definately a year of change for me.  I am moving out of the slums hopefully by the end of April if not sooner.  I'm excited but nervous too.  I know I have to give it up to God, sometimes things involved so deeply in the life of me and the kids (aka roof over our head) is hard to NOT have control over.  I WON'T go back to homelessness.  I have the strength to move up and strive for better.  Its a long hard journey but I WILL make it! 

I signed up for College for the LAST time and am sticking with it.  I have NO choice, daycare is DEFINATELY not for me!  I have been told I do an awesome job with the kids, but for my own sanity and that of my children's, its time to do MUCH better!  I'm hoping I can still get everything done by the January 9th deadline.

Miguel turned 6 months on December 23rd.  As he grows older I have an ache in my heart knowing that I will NEVER have another baby.  I am not saying I want one, but just the knowing that I can NEVER have another one is different.  I grew up in a large family and yes I do have my own 'large' family my heart still has plenty of love for babies.

I've realized that I have a need for more friends in my life.  I have always wondered why I never had that many adult female friends.  Is it because I am chunky?  because I have limited income/babysitters/time?  Am I just a dork?  Am I wierd?  Is it because of my social situation?  I'm OVER what I used to say when I was in my 20's - woman are too catty to be friends, they are backstabbing, man-stealing, etc, etc, etc.  It just meant I was hanging out with the WRONG ladies.  I know now, I need my friends.  I need to be able to go out with AND without the kids.  I want to be able to have my friends come over and just chill and veg if they feel the need, the shoulder to lean on, the 'my kids are getting on my nerves, let them play with your kids for a little bit' kind of friends.  It gets lonely sometimes just having me and the kiddoes.  I hope and pray that once I move out of  'the slums' that more people will want to come over and hang out or even just meet up!

I feel refreshed about who I am.  I am staying on track to be a positive role model for my children.  I have purged my house of SO much crap - food, papers, clothes and I keep going.  I'm going to better my appearance with exercise and just more personal care for me to show the kids that healthy is better then the couch potato I became.  We, ok I, am also going to try for a more 'raw' type of menu plan, steering away from alot of prepackaged foods.  We will also be using portion control our eating.  Oh and the days of drive thru's are over for the most part, well for me indefinately.  I just feel SO down and out sick when I do eat McD's or BK anymore.  Time for a change!  I MUST STAY POSITIVE, I AM THEIR ROLE MODEL!

Ok, if you've read through this WHOLE blog, THANK YOU!  I said alot here and my mind is STILL spinning over it!  Comment, ask questions, I'm an open book!

Love to you all and Blessings in 2011!!!!


  1. Hi Susan! Have we met? Because I am also a chunky, weird dork with limited income/time. We must have been destined to be friends. :)

  2. Susan, I am truly inspired by your empowered, strong words! Thank you for sharing your journey, your strength, and your friendship with us! *hugs*