Sunday, December 5, 2010
quite the whirlwind
What a week its been! Tuesday morning brought a HUGE surprise for my kids and a shocker for me. Its thrown me off pretty much all week. I don't remember EVER running late as much as I have had this week. I won't go into the details but its been CRAZY! Friday brought my work Christmas party and it was fun, going out after was a BLAST! I really needed that. Then onto Saturday which brought yet another Christmas Party. Saturday's party really made me feel alone in such a large crowd. I was VERY uncomfortable. I stuck it out though for my kids. They had a GREAT time and I'm SO happy for them! This was a Christian group Christmas party and one of the gentlemen who got up to speak and pray really got to me. I teared up and I'm sure people noticed, but I refused to let them flow. I was sad and angry not at this gentleman but more with God. I wish I could go into more detail or had someone I could really trust and talk to and not judge, but there's no one there. I feel like God just left me high and dry. No matter what I did in the past to save something SO special to me, even getting closer to Him and truely following Him didn't save it. Now, several years later people are preaching to get closer to God and God is leading their way, etc, etc. Its really hard for me. Have I turned my back on God? No. I can honestly say I haven't. Do I have to go to a building to always profess my faith to him? No I don't. Maybe its not the pledge I made to God on how I raise my children but its what it is for now. I was asked when I was going to attend the woman's retreat for this organization, I declined. Last year, I was gung ho and ready to go whatever it took to get to the retreat I wanted to do. I even was inviting people to go with me, then I found out that I was pregnant with Miguel and MANY things were put on hold. I just don't know anymore. I know I shouldn't feel alone in a crowd. I know that I have alot more to offer but would it really be worth it for me? Someone told me last night too that with these Christian people, this group, they can only be honest. Why do I find that more cowardly, a crutch? Is it that I'm Catholic? Well everybody know that Catholics think differently then other religions. Is it because of how I was raised? I just don't know. How do i truely know if the words coming out were really the truth from you? I'm such the skeptic. Today too is December 5. It should be one of the happiest days of my life besides the birth of my children. Instead, I HATE when this day comes around. Its SO hard to face it, but I have to at least for my children. No one remembers but me what this day truely means or meant. I really wish it meant alot more then what it does. I wish I could truely be happy again, not just by being a mother but having someone to complete me also.