Tuesday, October 5, 2010

need to keep up with this....

i need to get on the ball with this blog thing.  i don't think many read or care what i have to say but it really does help me and calm me down when i do write.  maybe i do jump around alot on many different subjects but i just let my mind flow.  and its not that i don't have topics to write about, i have PLENTY, just lack the OOMPH to sit up a few extra minutes at night to blog.

some days i SO envy my stay at home mom friends.  i wish i could be there to make and blog about better dinners then i do.  i wish i could be the mom that is at school volunteering in one classroom or another, or a scout mom or something.  just as much as i wish for these things i know that i HAVE to work to provide stability and consistancy to my babies.  some days its SO hard but i pull through.  lately its been really tough at work and i ask myself why put the effort in, but then i think of my babies.  i have to be on top of things for them even if i'm not sure of it for myself.  i guess while i am unhappy with things going on at work and who knows what will happen with my hours, i will just go ahead and reregister for school and stick with it.  i won't give into the 'sweet deals' at work and quit again (or x2 like i did in the past).  i know that i can't get anywhere in life anymore without a degree.  (another reason i would LOVE to be a SAHM - who would care if i had a degree or not?  OR i could just concentrate on the kiddies and school and be happy)

maybe i'm just getting antsy.  everybody sees the outside or 'public' me and i look pretty put together and my kids are great (or awesome as i hear all the time.  was told today that you don't expect a mom in my situation to have 5 kids so well behaved) but there are things missing.  i'm CRAVING adult time without my kids.  or even to have more friends who i could hang out with and have fun with as families.  i think sometimes certain people look at me and point, laugh and whisper.  in fact, i know some people do.  thats especially when i wish i had someone closer to me that i could just text or call and talk to.  its like the people i want to be friends with me dont know i exist or look through me because of things.  you would think i wouldn't want these types of people as friends......but i do.  i wish that people would see me for me and not look at my babies and then judge me. 

my kids are great, growing like weeds.  so much is going on in each of their lives, maybe i should take the next 5 days for updates or something???  i love each one of them so much and am VERY proud of everything they do.  i'm grateful for my mother in law iris for all her help with Miguel.  without her, i dont know what i would do.

ok enough rambling for tonite, must mop the floor and put some things away.....

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