Thursday, July 1, 2010

just feel wierd

i just don't know anymore.  i'm SO glad the baby has come and i feel wierd.  i don't feel like i have PPD BUT much the opposite.  I feel like the emotion and purging my feelings during birth to someone has lead me to have no specific emotion at all.  I have my moments where I hear a song or think about something and want to cry, but the emotion doesn't come.  What the HELL is up with that?  For those that know me really well, I can be quite the emotional chick at times.  Why do I have a lack of emotion?  Is it because of the emotional birth I had? 

I feel bad too that instantly I have bonded with Miguel and it too me FOREVER with Giovanni.  I mean, I even wanted to give him up for adoption.  I feel HORRIBLE now for it because NOW I love him more then life itself.  Am I really that cruel of a person?  What is wrong with me?  Now I couldn't imagine life without Giovanni.

Its hard to imagine that I will NEVER be able to have a baby again.  I'm not saying that I want another one anytime soon ---- LORD knows I'm insane to do this all on my own with what I have now, but.....who knows what could happen down the road and to not be able to have another one?  Its a sadness in me.  I know I can't do it alone for many reasons ---- my sanity, finances, the other kids sanity.  I wish I had the help and support that I need here not just for me but for our children.  It hurts me to know that someone is missing out on SO much of the kids lives. 

Even upon writing all this I don't have any negative emotion.  I feel a sadness in me...but.....nothing comes.  Is there something wrong with me?

1 comment:

  1. This post has been on my mind for quite a while. I'm hoping this has passed, but if not please let your doctor know! PPD is very serious, can sneak up on you, and can take many forms. Maybe you are just drained right now - and who wouldn't be! You've had a LOT of major life changes just with one birth! A lot of joy and sadness all mixed together. The thoughts you had about Giovanni are NOT because you are a horrible person. Wanting to make sure he had a good life and would be taken care of makes you an excellent person. If you doubted yourself - for a split second or for months! - that just makes you a normal woman! We all doubt ourselves. Please keep reaching out!